the puzzle

k- i'm gonna try to explain somthing without saying exactly waht I'm talking about- those of you who know me super well will know exactly what situation I am talking about- if you dont know me super well- hopefully you will get the idea....i have a feeling this is going to be a confusing blog considering the "pre -explanation" was super confusing....kay here is my analogy

I have this beautiful puzzle - it was a working progress- after time and lessons learned I get more pieces, slowly completing this work of art before me. With each circomstance I get more pieces making my picture nothig but wonderful. But even though i get new puzzle pieces all the time, i am loosing the pieces that i had from before. Some of this is a result of circomstance but unfortunalty the main reason is my own stuborness and pride. To proud to admit that somthing is missing, to proud to take the time and crawl on the ground and look for my own pieces; Pieces I once had and tresured. I have become content with the hole in my puzzle- after all, i still get the general idea of what the picture is, it still is eye catching. Its just one hole. why bother?

Well the fact is - i need to bother. Why on earth would I want somthing less than the full picture. Don't I want to increase its beauty? Why would I settle for seccond best- why would I settle for somthing less than what the puzzle was ment to be?

If that isn't enough motivation to get off this high horse I'm on... there is another factor that I need to consider, and this next factor is probley the most improtant one that I have over looked. This puzzle was a gift from someone who loves me very much. This person has given so much to me, never expecting anything in return. This puzzle given to me is a masterpiece. I am settleing for somthing short of what the gift was ment to be. How rude is that? It's not like I paid hard earned cash for this puzzle ( if that were the case, it would be my loss). But the fact is the incomplete picture is not mine to leave undone. If someone only used part of a gift i gave them, i think I would be disapointed. This gift is precious, beautiful and good- but... I lost the pieces.

If I'm too proud to admit that I am not content with an undone puzzle, then I need to do it for the one who gave me the puzzle.

So here I go- I'm jumping off this tower of pride and crawling on the dirty ground untill I recover every missing piece.

The truth is- no matter how stubborn or proud I appear, its really just a mask. A mask hiding fear. Fear that I won't beable to find the pieces or fear of finding the puzzle pieces, discouvering that they are to damaged to fit in my puzzle again. Cuz really those puzzle pieces are precious and I really long for them.

So I need to make the choice. No one will force me to take this gift.

But I choose the gift. So I'm gonna take of this mask. I am going to look for those missing pieces. And when I find them, if they are damaged, I wont rest untill they are fixed.

This puzzle was ment to bring somthing beautiful in my life.

I choose beauty- The beauty in this art
I will not rest till my picture is complete

me gusta espanol pero mi gramatica es mal. Yo soy abirido (estas por que yo escriban en espanol; esatas amusante!) Yo quiero practica mucho, y al la campa, tengo muchos chicas y chicos espanols pero yo practica TODOS los dias. BUENOS !
~terminado!

Have you ever been stupidly afraid to try.... I dont know if I will be capable of making sense bu i shall attempt. kay
Have you ever been afraid tto ttry somthing new because yo really don't like the idea of falling flat on your face? Thats kinda the boat I'm in. Or you are afraid to try somthing because you may be left unsatisfied. Thats where I'm at. When I lived in Newfoundland...i like to think that by time I left it i had developed confidance. It took a flippin 5 yearrs to find but the point is I found it by the end and I was 100% fine with who I was and didn't mind making mistakes (no that I enjoyed it) and wasn't afriad to try new things. I was fine with acting crazy around anyone and I'd let them think what evr they pleased. However; this has changed. Once I moved to Winnipeg, I think I lost a chunk of my confidance. Not anyones fault or anything...just what happened. And don't get me wrong or anything I am super happy I live in Winnipeg and it is awesome. Its just I want my confidance back. I'm no like super self concious to a point of being irrational...just more than I was before I left. For example, I don't act as crazy as I used to. Only a select few people see me at my crazyest point- not everyone. The other one that is a hudge bummer that i somehow lost was my interaction with kids. This one really makes me sad because I think i was better with kids in Newfoundland and I somehow managed to loose some of my ability to relate to them but more depressingly ...my ability to speek to them on their level. for example when I do sunday school i do fine...but I find myself all of a sudden getting nervous when it comes to the point of the lesson that is "the serious part" and i also find myself seccond guessing the activities I plan or i am not completly confidant that they will enjoy them. This drives me nutts because i used to be fine doing this stuff. I LOVE DOING THIS STUFF ut for some stupid irrational reason, I get a bunch of nerves on my plate. another thing that I am disapoined in myself is that by the end of camp I was comfortable doing things like devtions for people my own age, yet for some reason when I do it now- I find my brain racing ahead of the words comming ou of my mouth, making my sentences make less and less sence and I find myself stuttering or figiting (more than usual) and my conclusions are something like "and yeah' like what is that? jeeez. I'm not to impressed with myself for loosing those things and abilities. Today at daycamp, we did worship and the kids looked kind abored, so I randomly started jumping around making up actions on the spot to the songs making lots of noice and just acting plain old weird. I havn't beable to do that in a while without feeling completly stupid. So i guess this is good. I hope tat over the summer I gain back my self confidance.

I refuse to believe the devils lies when he tells me I cant do somthing or I am not good enough. it makes me mad noww that I am begining to reconize when he is lying to me. "I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength!" I can do this and I will do this. I reclaim back what the devil as taken from me

la de da de da

hia all
I am is Mississauga for the summer working at a daycamp in one of the army churches. Its pretty good times. This blog isn't gonna be super detailed mainly because I am lazy. Butt yeah . I'm living witth uncle kevin and aunt sheryl so thats good times. At the day camp - this week I am soing inclusion work, which is where I work one on one with special needs. The kid I am with is Jermey-he's pretty awesome and I am learning lots and having a dandy time :D anywho ...thats all for now

desperssing blogs are over for awhile, i have learned that at the end of every storm, there is a rainbow.

stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stipid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stipid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stipid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stipid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stipid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stipid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stipid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stipid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stipid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stipid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stipid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stipid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stipid stustupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stipid stupid stupid stupid stupidpid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stipid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stipid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stipid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stipid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stipid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stipid stupid stupid stupid stupid

Have you ever felt....

Have you ever felt that evrything was going wrong?
HAve you ever felt it couldn't get worse - yet somehow it did?
Have you ever had hope shattered in an instant?
HAve you ever lost sight of your purpos?
Have you ever seen exactly what you were missing and not be able to do anything about it?
HAve you ever been so scared that you would loose the best thing you have?
HAve you ever felt so stupid for somthing that wasn't your fault?
Have you ever wondered when the sun would come back?
Have you ever been in the position where you no longer trust your own judgement?
HAve you ever been this confused?
Have you ever been this lost?
HAve you ever asked "why" so many times, but it doesn't get you anywhere past "because"?
HAve you ever had regret?
HAve you ever been this worried?
Have you ever been this scared?
When you are in these shoes, where do you turn when you are surounded by dead ends and creepy allies?

yey for missing stuff to much-except not yey at all...:(

I will win

Jesus don't you see
That I tend to fall
I do it all the time
Though I give it all
I wish I were a warrior
Fighting battles that I'd win
But I cant even walk on water
Infact I cannot swim

I wanna bless the heavens
I wanna bless the land
With imprints that won't wash away
Like the million grains of sand
Somthing that is more
Somthing that is true
Somthing that will point the world to heaven and see you

And though I'm just a child
can you use me still
Use me in your army
To forfill your will
Use me as a servent
To reveal your plan
Use me again
Wont you use me again

And though Im' just a child who doesnt know to swim
With you I'll walk on water
And the battles I will win
I will win I will win I will win
With you Jesus I will win