I figured it was time to update this blog sith something a bit more optimistic.....so yeah. I'm done school for good now yey! high school that is...now there is college...which will be an adventure in itself. I am either going to booth or cmu, hopefully cmu but we will see. If i could get a stupid full time job, that would be kinda usefull, but at least im not sitting through boring classes that teach you things that you will never use in life at all. I have a craving for somthing yummy...like.......a mango, that would be delightful. NATALIE is comming to visit this saturday! It will just be awesome i can't wait we will have a delightful time and eat mr noodles and do several entertaining things by the dreaded bus that for some reason appeals to mexican exchange students. I need to write her a plane letter, cuz that what she does for me every time i go on an airplane, i would write her a story, but i rather suck at flash backs, so i guess i will have to write a ballad about ian campbell and tom- but he will only be a minor element... its almost march everyone and than it will be may -oh wait i forgot april, but i am more excited for may cuz after may is june and i like june and with no exams this june, i will like it even better, i have a craving to go to the beach but it wouldnt really work right now with all the snow and all but the beach is fun if it was may, i would take natalie to the beach....but it is feb. so i will have to settle for somthing a little more seasonal.....yet i dont see how drinking an ice cold beverage in the form of a slurpee is seasonal, i think i am more of an ice cap person though....but you never really know any more. any way i think it is time to do somthing a little bit more productive....so i must depart. Good bye to all!

I dont get it

I don't get it at all. Why are can things turn in to secconds from fine to not fine? How do they get all mixed up? Why do they break? why can't I find the missing piece?
There are alot of things at stake right now, and I'm making it a bigger deal than it should be. My eyes are blood shot right now, and they are filled with tears and the computer screen looks a little blurry. I'm jsut scared. It's not even somthing important, but it's somthing I've never done with out. I feel like I'm drowning. I'm trying to swim back to the surface, but the harder I kick, the more tired I get and the deeper I sink.
I feel like a jerk. There are people killing themselves to reach me in the water, but there arm is still just beyond there fingertips, leaving them feeling like they are not doing doing there job, when really it's me who is the problem. I don't know how to fix this. My head is pounding and my face is wet from tears. I'm trying my hardest, but it seems its not good enough, but crying wont help me, sitting here at my computer wont help me. I need to do somthing, somthing that i missed. Here i go- and i dont know where.

Quitting

So people always say don't quit. But I'm starting to wonder if people give people a reason to quit. Like I'm not suggesting it what so ever...but i am just saying I can see why people sometimes want to give up.It's hard, fixing thigs that are broken takes time, effort,vulnerablity, sometimes exceptance of defeat and the courage to get up even though all odds say your gonna fail. Willingness to feal pain, bumps and bruises, cuts and scratches. So with all this at risk, people make you want to quit. It's safer, easier and logicly makes much more sence. You see when circomstance hits you, it's diffrent.Circomstance is somewhat predictable, you can kinda see what you're next step is into getting better.You are alive and it is not.IT can only come in so many ways. Eventually storms blow over, eventually rain will stop eventually you can walk. People how ever, are entirely diffrent. People are alive, unpredictable, determined, complex.........wait, so this sometimes makes things harder but imagine for a minuite. If we watched Shreck right now and all Shreck had to do to save the princess was ring the door bell...umm good job? The part that makes it nobel and worth achnolegement it the fact that he went through so much to get her. Slaying dragons, crossing lava...etc. Why? Because it was worth fighting for! Yeah he got burned,he fell he got cuts and scratches...but he got the princess! So is somthing more meaningfull if you work to get it? yup! Quiting makes to much sense. its safer logical and easy.But reach beyond what you can see reach beyond what makes sence reach in hope, reach unafraid of the ground reach in determination cuz maybe just maybe if you reach far enough, you jsut might get somthing and its better to try and fall that then to sink in the mud.

Christmas

So latley I've been super busy (as usual) with a whole bunch of Christmas stuff. Kids club stuff, futures stuff, songsters stuff, work stuff, choir stuff etc... it has been really really stressfull and extra busy. I've been so busy that I havn't sat for a minuite and have been feeling extra stressed.
I have never been this busy at Christmas, its a new way of function that I have yet to get used to it. It had come to the point where I wondered why people were enjoying it becuase its just so busy! There is no time for yourself at all.
So while being stressed, I asked someone why they liked it. And though this question seemed to me as if it would have no answer, the responce I got was simple. The person told me they liked it simply because they were making people happy. Case closed, no questions asked, end of story.
This hit me kinda funny, somthing so obvious yet something I was so oblivious too. I wonder how I forgot about that. How on earth did I get so caught up in what I was doing that I forgot why I was doing it?! Honestly... what the heck was I thinking?
Anyway, I'm glad that person put it in perspective for me, beucase I was missing somthing important. I'm glad that now I have things back into perspective.
So next time I have to do somthing, I'll remember why I am doing it, and do it joyfully and willingly.
By the way Christmas is in 12 days!
Merry Christmas everyone!

Mary's song

Do you wonder as you watch my face
If a wiser one
Should have had my place
But I offer all I am
To the mercies of the lamb
Help me be strong
Help me

Breath of heaven
Hold me together
Be forever near me
Breath of heaven

Breath of heaven light in the darkness
Poor over me your holiness
For you are holy

So this is whats on the go...actually way to much is on the go to some up in a sentence. But what is true is that I am super super super busy.
I coordinate a kids club program in downtown Winnipeg, run the childrens choir in my church, and co - run a jr. youth group that I really havn't been giving enough attention, participate in a worship team along with songsters. I also am in my last semester of high school and want to do very well and my idea of well happens to be extremely high when it comes to school or anything from that matter. On top of all that I have a job at The Salvation Army Thrift store. Even though I dont work as much as some people I know, its just one more thing on my plate that keeps me from being able to sit. I recently had to let down my teacher. I was in the chamber choir, which I loved, but had to drop it because I am incapable of making the practices due to work. I love doing all these things (well work not so much) but the point is Each of these things keep me moving consistantly even if I'm exausted.
Right now, I feel spritually exausted. I'm feeling as if I'm doing a lot of things where I am striving to help people see God to the point that I forget to sit with him myslef. I really havn't had the chace latley either. At church I miss half the service for the kids choir and I havn't really had a good amount of time to just sit with God. I am always always doing somthing. THe other thing is, things are always popping into my head of things that I could be doing, but I cant becuase there is not an existant caffinated drink that could keep me going for that amount of time. I want to do all these things, but I'm so busy and drained to the point that I just want to calapse.
My busyness is scaring me because I don't spend time with God as much as I'd like to and when I do , I am not as in tune to what he is saying, I hear music but I can't make out the melody and I find this scarry. I am making important choices currently ( such as what programs I do for kids club, what college I attend) and me being not entirely sure what GOd wants makes me nervous and stressed. I really dont want to make a mistake to what he wants me to do. I need to sit down and listen to Him. I want his voice to be loud and clear. I'm seccond guessing what I do.
I jsut really hope that I am doing what God wants me to do and the choices I make are the ones he would want. I want to follow his will nad stick to the map he gave me, I just hope I'm reading it right...

hopefully that blog didnt make me sound insane... i dont know if i expained my brain well at alll. anywho thats all for now

Spinning

Spinning around
And around and around
Which way is up?
And which way is down?
The world is in uproar
My schedule severe
Time is the hunter
And I am the deer
Spinning around
And around and around
Where is the path
That I’m to go down?
Voices are screaming
And calling my name
Which one is truth?
And which one is blame?
Spinning around
And around and around
Which way is up?
And which way is down?

Just close your eyes
And lift your hands
I will hold you
And we will dance
And we will dance
And we will dance

Spinning around
And around and around
Which way is up?
And which way is down?
And we will dance
And we will dance
Spinning around
And around and around
Which way is up?
And which way is down?
And we will dance
And we will dance

Lost in your love
Lost in time
For I am yours
And you are mine
Lost, yet found
For you are mine
And I am yours
And you are mine

Just close your eyes
And lift your hands
I will hold you
And we will dance
And we will dance
And we will dance
Spinning around
And around and around
Which way is up?
And which way is down?


please please please...for a moment, let me dance